Ahhhh... so that explains a lot!

The following is a pretend conversation between a French biographer and myself. He's trying to get to the root of why I leave people walking away scratching their heads... befuddled yet intrigued. He's also amazed that I've gone 27 years without needing to take any meds. My lifestory is being made into a movie too. I am sitting in the hotel suite of a Paris Hotel somewhere saturated in Yves Saint Laurent, being interviewed. Observe. Biographer: So, Coffey0072. How did you come up with the name Coffey0072. Coffey0072: Well, René... can I call you René? Anyway, it's just a variation on Pam Grier's Coffy character, my love of the full-bodied, hot, aromatic liquid, and 0072 because I fancy myself a fighter of fashion crimes. A brown-skinned James Bond with full, firm tits if you will. Anyway, I've toyed around with different non de plums as a writer (trying to do the Anne Rice thing) until I finally settled on Coffey0072. Biographer: Tell me about your childhood. Coffey0072: Hmm, well in short, I was a tad spoiled, I loved fine foods even then, I threw the worst temper tantrums you could imagine- (on a divaesque Mariah/Whitney/Diana Ross scale)- where I'd throw myself out on the floor, bang my head against the wall, cry and screech. According to my mother, my father would encourage this behaviour just so he could watch me throw a tantrum... for his own weird amusement. The bastard. Overall, it was decent. Nothing to slit my wrists over. I was bullied throughout my elementary and middle school years, however. Sons and daughters o' cunts and cads. Until I finally stood up for myself and said, 'ENOUGH!' J.Lo style. It was there that I developed this steel rod in my back. High school... freshman year... I began to slowly break out of my shell, I lost some weight, got cute (but was still modest and shy), discovered lipstick, vegetarianism, pulsating rhythms in my naughty bits (damn those gay novels), and how to touch myself... reassuringly. I reassured myself further by taking long baths. And I do mean long. All at the tender age of 15 or 16... somewhere in there. Biographer: Elaborate on long baths. Coffey0072: I think you know what I mean René. I don't need to elaborate. Needless to say, my knack for long, warm baths concluded with my mother or my youngest sister banging on the door, yelling that they had to use the bathroom, and demanding to know what I was doing in there. Biographer: I see... hmm. Well, how about the rest of your high school career? Easy? Coffey0072: It became easier. I mastered the fine art of cussing people the fuck out. The same dregs who became the bane of my existence in middle school attempted to test my patience in high school.. .til they discovered I got some self-esteem and a wicked attitude to match. Not a bad attitude. Just one where I made a conscious decision to stand up for myself. To tell myself that it was okay to wear clogs, be artsty fartsy and introspective and listen to Hootie and the Blowfish and not give a fuck what anybody thought. Biographer: (chuckling) you listened to Hootie and the Blowfish?? Coffey0072: Sod off, they were huge during that time. Plus I was trying to support a brotha. He was a Black folk artist for crying out loud! That wasn't common during that time. Plus he wasn't singing Burger King jingles then. He didn't suck. Junior and Senior years were my finest moments. I developed a Lolitaesque (but nonsexual and very platonic) relationship with my psychology teacher (we had a lot in common), and wrote and loved myself... reassuringly with fervent vigor. Biographer: Does this mean you took even longer baths? Coffey0072: No. It means that I borrowed my mother's back massager ad nauseum. Next question. Biographer: Hmmm... Coffey0072: I had a backache. Plus it had heating capabilities and 3 settings of high, medium, and low. Give me a break! Biographer: According to my notes, you started watching a lot of erotic cable porn. Coffey0072: Yes, Showtime had some wicked after hours programs. Red Shoe Diaries, Lady Chatterly, et al. I hated when my mother had to come through the living room to use the bathroom. I'd miss the most crucial parts, because I'd turn back to Letterman whenever I heard her approaching and the sex scene would be finished by the time she left the room. Damn. Biographer: And you read a lot of gay erotica meant for homosexual men? Sounds like you developed quite the fascination for sex and all things erotic. Coffey0072: Sex makes me curious. It's a fascinating concept. It interests me. I was trying (and am still trying) to learn all things carnal. Not in a wanton way. Just sexuality, and the way men think and act interest me. Are you single? Biographer: (coughing) Well, there's so many facets to your life... ummm... tell me about college. Coffey0072: Nothing huge. Wisconsin was rife with Masturbation, booze, sex, and jazz. Oh yeah, and friendships. That's where I became acquainted with a skinny, cute, Black, Francophile from Mississippi, named Cat. We are best chums 'til this day. Since 1996. We've never even touched each other in a non-platonic way either. Biographer: I-III see. Hm. Interesting. So, tell me about now. Coffey0072: College bored me. I felt like I wasn't learning anything I didn't already know, so I left several credits shy of a degree. I don't have enough patience for class and lectures and such. The curriculum wasn't diverse enough for me... and the professors weren't interesting enough, so I bounced. Hey, what can you expect from a predominantly white college in rural Wisconsin. I guess I was just too punk rock for them. A lot of memorable experiences transpired on that campus however. I learned a lot about race relations and people in general. I made a lot of crucial friendships there, and I had a couple of crucial flings. I have no regrets. I would much rather immerse myself into the rat race rather than accumulate more college debt. I hear the occassional voice in my head, I have sex dreams in vivid color... and I wake up flushed and lightheaded, I used listen to Debbie Gibson, I love eating Nutella out of the jar with a tablespoon, I'm a vegetarian... but not the annoying kind' cause I'll rock a leather purse in a hearbeat, I like 2% milk and full-fat cream, I don't agree with fat free food, I used to bring spiked coffee to class when I was in college on rare occassions, Sometimes, I'm tempted to bring a flask to work, large groups of children make me nervous, I like to stare at cats for extended periods of time, I enamored of beautiful looking penises, I'm addicted to exfoliation and moisturization, I hate body hair and don't give mine the opportunity to grow, I like my gap, and I like the olives in my dirty martinis smeared with roquefort or blue cheese, I love cheese, I love chocolate, I love coffee, I think the world would be a cold, dark, evil place without gay men, and I love red wine. That's me in a tight nutshell. Just too many sordid details to relay here. Biographer: Interesting. Well, um... Coffey0072: You know, I hate talking about me... it's boring... want a tour of my suite? Let's start with the bedroom... There's a great bedspread on the bed. ...