This morning, I was running late for work. I couldn't seem to get my body to function properly. My equilibrium was off. My legs felt like lead, as I couldn't seem to get them to work. I was behind. I missed the 8:25 bus. Slight change in my supervisor's schedule warranted me needing to take a cab to get to work on time. What is normally a $5-6 cab fare (and a five minute drive) turned into a little more than $7.00 and a 10-12 minute crawl down Asylum Avenue. While the weather was quite beautiful and mild, the air seemed thick and stagnant somehow. I was slightly annoyed with the cabdriver, as he crawled along, trying to engage me in idle chit-chat. The cab reeked of stale cigarette smoke. Sighing heavily and checking the time on my cell phone, I spied a crowd of picketers... this slowed down traffic slightly (not because they were in the street, but simply because morning commuters wanted to be nosey and leer). Annoyed at the cabbie's indifference to my schedule, I finally just told him to drop me off 1/2 a block from my work, as I didn't have time for his moderately slow driving because I was late. Obviously, he wanted to stretch the meter as far he could, so I saved him the trouble by tossing 10 bucks at him, and just climbing out of the cab.
I made it before 9am... yet somehow... synergy still seemed a bit off. Something felt weird in the air. I carried out my morning duties as usual. A little past 9:30am is when I got a disturbing phone call, that shook me to my core. That still has me shaken... as I type this entry, with a heavy heart and heavy fingers to match.
It seems insignificant to say that life sucks as I sort through my feelings and dab at sore, red eyes and a nose that's stinging from constant wiping and blowing. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling angry... because life, indeed, can be so cruel and merciless. It is not fair, because you, most of all, should be here.
Nothing I've typed on this blog... my lackluster dating life, the banalities of everyday life, nothing... amounts to you being gone.
I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts. Like being punched in the gut. Hard!
Working on auto-pilot, through a sea of tears and a simple explanation... I said I needed to leave work to be with my family. I thank my colleague for looking at my face and GETTING IT... telling me to "GO!" Not needing to hear anything more.... agreeing to explain my sudden departure to those who needed to know where I'd gone. I gathered my things. Somehow I managed to hightail it down the street... in a zombified state... to catch a bus. Time. The mild, Spring air. Everything seemed to stand still... thick and stagnant... moving like stop/still animation. The man who obnoxiously, and noisily hocked up and then spat out a thick, phlegmy wad on the ground.
The woman I almost bumped into, head-on. A colleague driving by, prodding me to get into his car so that he could drive me to my destination... to no avail, as I declined repeatedly... mumbling to him that I wanted to be alone.
The old man who tried to engage me in idle chit-chat... telling me my perfume smelled good... that the weather was beautiful... eliciting no response from me.
I stood there... stupified. Behind a mask of dark glasses, as a mountain of tears welled up. Suddenly, a cool adagio breeze kissed my cheek and grazed my scalp. The tears spilled over and down freely. Was this you, bidding me adieu? I don't know... but the tears came. And I let them... paying no attention to passers-by. A Felicidade playing over and over in my head
Tristeza não tem fim
Felicidade sim
A felicidade é como a gota
De orvalho numa pétala de flor
Brilha tranquila
Depois de leve oscila
E cai como uma lágrima de amor... la la la la la la la la la la....
the song I deemed yours that moment I saw you for the first time, and my breath caught in my throat... right before I hummed it and caressed your small fingers, because you were sooo pretty and tranquil. Several people were fussing over you, as if you were a little princess... fixing your blankets, fixing the bow on your pink headband, adjusting your onesie... There always seemed to be a light, emanating from you... That is how I will remember you. That, and the fact that you had a thick, thick, thiiickk curly head of dark hair, that never seemed to stop growing and deep dimples too... just like your mom! In fact, you are... were... a deadringer for her. A mini-me version of my older sister. Her DNA definitely won out over you dad's, this time around. Our mother (your gram) found it uncanny, because she said you were an exact replica of my older sister as a baby. You didn't really like it when your mom combed that hair of yours! lol. She said she couldn't wait until you were, um, old enough... for her... to braid it...
Now all I have... all we have is this song. You showed more tenacity in your few months that I've NEVER shown in all my 28 years... and probably wont, ever. You smiled right up until the end. Uncomfortable... but never miserable. You were sooo funny. And so happy. You had this really cute, hoarse, elfin laugh and would giggle when your older sister made funny faces at you. Red seemed to be your favorite color. Remember when I walked into your room that time, wearing that red pashmina scarf?
For a brief moment in space and time, we saw you channeled through the big, bright eyes of the other little one, your cousin... as he stared up, unwaveringly, at your mother. It was a surreal moment.
I, in turn, stared at him, incredulously, because little J was transfixed. I snapped my fingers at him, trying to get his attention, to no avail. He focused intently on your mom, as if in some sort of trance... his tiny little body still... his stare focused. Then I smiled inside, because now I know you are at peace, and that you are okay... and this is what you wanted him to tell her... to tell us.
Although, right now... it hurts, right here, at my core. It hurts me so bad, because I feel robbed. I didn't spend nearly enough time with you... and now I can't. It was agonizing to have to force myself to smile and keep from breaking down... for your sister especially. When I sat there, clutching that mug of hot coffee... watching your mother sifting through your pictures... having to decide which one to choose for your memorial and then shifting my gaze to the pain in your father's eyes as he sat there with quiet resolve, it was too much for me to withstand. I will carry you, right here... right here (you see where I'm rubbing?). I'm not religious, by any stretch of the word... but I do know you're getting a pair of brand, spanking new wings. You are a- felicidade incarnate and I miss you. When a sudden wind blows and dances across my face again... I'll know it's you, saying hello, with that mischievous chuckle, to your ol', chronically single aunt. ...
A Felicidade...
March 27, 2006
This morning, I was running late for work. I couldn't seem to get my body to function properly. My equilibrium was off. My legs felt like lead, as I couldn't seem to get them to work. I was behind. I missed the 8:25 bus. Slight change in my supervisor's schedule warranted me needing to take a cab to get to work on time. What is normally a $5-6 cab fare (and a five minute drive) turned into a little more than $7.00 and a 10-12 minute crawl down Asylum Avenue. While the weather was quite beautiful and mild, the air seemed thick and stagnant somehow. I was slightly annoyed with the cabdriver, as he crawled along, trying to engage me in idle chit-chat. The cab reeked of stale cigarette smoke. Sighing heavily and checking the time on my cell phone, I spied a crowd of picketers... this slowed down traffic slightly (not because they were in the street, but simply because morning commuters wanted to be nosey and leer). Annoyed at the cabbie's indifference to my schedule, I finally just told him to drop me off 1/2 a block from my work, as I didn't have time for his moderately slow driving because I was late. Obviously, he wanted to stretch the meter as far he could, so I saved him the trouble by tossing 10 bucks at him, and just climbing out of the cab.
I made it before 9am... yet somehow... synergy still seemed a bit off. Something felt weird in the air. I carried out my morning duties as usual. A little past 9:30am is when I got a disturbing phone call, that shook me to my core. That still has me shaken... as I type this entry, with a heavy heart and heavy fingers to match.
It seems insignificant to say that life sucks as I sort through my feelings and dab at sore, red eyes and a nose that's stinging from constant wiping and blowing. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling angry... because life, indeed, can be so cruel and merciless. It is not fair, because you, most of all, should be here.
Nothing I've typed on this blog... my lackluster dating life, the banalities of everyday life, nothing... amounts to you being gone.
I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts. Like being punched in the gut. Hard!
Working on auto-pilot, through a sea of tears and a simple explanation... I said I needed to leave work to be with my family. I thank my colleague for looking at my face and GETTING IT... telling me to "GO!" Not needing to hear anything more.... agreeing to explain my sudden departure to those who needed to know where I'd gone. I gathered my things. Somehow I managed to hightail it down the street... in a zombified state... to catch a bus. Time. The mild, Spring air. Everything seemed to stand still... thick and stagnant... moving like stop/still animation. The man who obnoxiously, and noisily hocked up and then spat out a thick, phlegmy wad on the ground.
The woman I almost bumped into, head-on. A colleague driving by, prodding me to get into his car so that he could drive me to my destination... to no avail, as I declined repeatedly... mumbling to him that I wanted to be alone.
The old man who tried to engage me in idle chit-chat... telling me my perfume smelled good... that the weather was beautiful... eliciting no response from me.
I stood there... stupified. Behind a mask of dark glasses, as a mountain of tears welled up. Suddenly, a cool adagio breeze kissed my cheek and grazed my scalp. The tears spilled over and down freely. Was this you, bidding me adieu? I don't know... but the tears came. And I let them... paying no attention to passers-by. A Felicidade playing over and over in my head
Tristeza não tem fim
Felicidade sim
A felicidade é como a gota
De orvalho numa pétala de flor
Brilha tranquila
Depois de leve oscila
E cai como uma lágrima de amor... la la la la la la la la la la....
the song I deemed yours that moment I saw you for the first time, and my breath caught in my throat... right before I hummed it and caressed your small fingers, because you were sooo pretty and tranquil. Several people were fussing over you, as if you were a little princess... fixing your blankets, fixing the bow on your pink headband, adjusting your onesie... There always seemed to be a light, emanating from you... That is how I will remember you. That, and the fact that you had a thick, thick, thiiickk curly head of dark hair, that never seemed to stop growing and deep dimples too... just like your mom! In fact, you are... were... a deadringer for her. A mini-me version of my older sister. Her DNA definitely won out over you dad's, this time around. Our mother (your gram) found it uncanny, because she said you were an exact replica of my older sister as a baby. You didn't really like it when your mom combed that hair of yours! lol. She said she couldn't wait until you were, um, old enough... for her... to braid it...
Now all I have... all we have is this song. You showed more tenacity in your few months that I've NEVER shown in all my 28 years... and probably wont, ever. You smiled right up until the end. Uncomfortable... but never miserable. You were sooo funny. And so happy. You had this really cute, hoarse, elfin laugh and would giggle when your older sister made funny faces at you. Red seemed to be your favorite color. Remember when I walked into your room that time, wearing that red pashmina scarf?
For a brief moment in space and time, we saw you channeled through the big, bright eyes of the other little one, your cousin... as he stared up, unwaveringly, at your mother. It was a surreal moment.
I, in turn, stared at him, incredulously, because little J was transfixed. I snapped my fingers at him, trying to get his attention, to no avail. He focused intently on your mom, as if in some sort of trance... his tiny little body still... his stare focused. Then I smiled inside, because now I know you are at peace, and that you are okay... and this is what you wanted him to tell her... to tell us.
Although, right now... it hurts, right here, at my core. It hurts me so bad, because I feel robbed. I didn't spend nearly enough time with you... and now I can't. It was agonizing to have to force myself to smile and keep from breaking down... for your sister especially. When I sat there, clutching that mug of hot coffee... watching your mother sifting through your pictures... having to decide which one to choose for your memorial and then shifting my gaze to the pain in your father's eyes as he sat there with quiet resolve, it was too much for me to withstand. I will carry you, right here... right here (you see where I'm rubbing?). I'm not religious, by any stretch of the word... but I do know you're getting a pair of brand, spanking new wings. You are a- felicidade incarnate and I miss you. When a sudden wind blows and dances across my face again... I'll know it's you, saying hello, with that mischievous chuckle, to your ol', chronically single aunt. ...
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2 comments
may your strenght be yours and your familys light in this time and your pain be your strength and may all the watch watch over you and your family.
bless you and yours.
As we look deeply within, we understand our perfect balance. There is no fear of the cycle of birth, life and death. For when you stand in the present moment, you are timeless.
Rodney Yee
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